Choc Chip Cookies!

I felt like doing a little baking today, with a massive craving for something sweet and delicious. I was watching an old episode of How I Met Your Mother and Lily was sent a box of cookies from Marshall's mom. So I decided to take a quick trip to Woolies, buy a few ingredients and bake some classic choc chip cookies. I've had a few adventures in cooking, baking and especially with choc chip cookies, but I've always had trouble finding a decent recipe. I Googled "best choc chip cookies" and stumbled across a blog (a seemingly popular one) and decided to try it out. Simultaneously, reading this little blog post, made me want to write one of my own, so here it goes.

 I tried to follow the recipe as best I could but I always have problems with accuracy and patience. This is my (slightly adapted) version.

Ingredients:

• One cup of butter (I used an olive oil based butter - it's all I had)
• One packed cup brown sugar
• One cup of white sugar 
• Two eggs
• One tsp vanilla essence
• Two and a half cups of plain flour 
• Half tsp salt 
• One tsp baking powder 
• One and a half cup of Cadbury Baking Milk Chocolate Chips (add more if possible!)

Instructions:

• Cream the brown sugar, white sugar and butter in a bowl 
• Add eggs, one at a time, making sure each egg is fully incorporated first
• Add vanilla 
• Whisk flour, baking powder and salt together, then add to the wet mixture 
• Fold in chocolate chips
• Place 1 tbsp balls of dough on baking tray - allow lots of room for expanding! 
• Bake in 160 deg. Celcius oven for 9-10mins, depending on how soft/crunchy you like your cookies. Mine didn't colour so much on the top, but it did a little on the bottom.

This is a link to the original blog post/recipe. http://suziethefoodie.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/janes-subway-chocolate-chip-cookies.html

<3 S

NEW BLOG

Hi guys,

Sorry for abandoning this one, but I'm starting up a new blog.

TheSPlan.wordpress.com 

Please check it out, leave comments and share! I will be posting regularly there.

<3 S

Three months.

So it's been 3 months since the last time I posted. Ooops.

A lot has happened since the last time I posted. A lot has changed. And yet, some days I feel exactly the same as I did 3 months ago.

Most days, I'm definitely happier. I work harder, I push myself more and even end up surprising myself with how far I have come. I have learnt a lot and discovered a lot and realised a lot. I feel like I'm finally becoming an adult. And about time too. Having been "legally" and adult for over 3 years now, and with graduation around the corner, life as I know it, will be over.

Unfortunately, I've always been last to mature mentally. But I'm finally starting to learn that growing up means loss, rejection, pain, regret. It means never stopping, never relaxing and never taking your eye off the ball. It means leaving behind a world of comfort and pushing yourself out to the edge just to prove your worth, just to make a life for yourself, just to survive. And yeah, I've learnt that it sucks.

I'm the kind of person who likes to rewatch old TV episodes, old movies that I've watched a million times. Because I always know that everything worked out in the end, and exactly how it worked out. I've always envied older people in the same way. These people have the satisfaction of knowing that they survived, knowing that they got through it, knowing what they gained and what they lost on the way. I know its weak, and I know its not how the world works, but some days I wish I could have just a glimpse of what my future will be. I wish I could just know the ending so I can relax and enjoy the ride.

But, like I said, life doesn't work that way. And instead of brooding over the impossible, I've adopted a new way of thinking. I've learnt that planning gets me absolutely nowhere. I've spent my life pre-determining what to do with my life. And now, I'm giving that up. All this planning only leads to disappointment and pain, anticipation and anxiety. Nothing ever works out the way you plan it to, so why waste the time doing it? Instead, all I'm doing is putting myself out there. Working as hard as I can, doing the best I can and putting myself out there and seeing what comes back. If it doesn't come back, then it wasn't meant to be. But if it does, its an exciting new journey.

I love listening to other people talk about their life stories. And the thing I've noticed is that no-one ever says, "Oh, I planned on being a teacher, and now I'm a teacher." That's never the end of it. I find it always starts with something differently entirely and leading up to that moment in time. And I'm just so tired of planning ahead, and having nothing work out the way I planned it. So, with 3 months left of my degree, all I can do now is put myself out there, work hard, and hopefully something will open up for me and help me find the next chapter of my life.

I'm excited to see what happens next.

<3 S

Unbound.

I heard about this great website a couple of weeks ago, and I just remembered to have a look at the site.

I have previously had a look or two on publishing, how to get a book published with a big publishing house like Penguin, or McGraw Hill etc, and while some of them have great campaigns for new and aspiring authors, most of these focus on the bigger, previously successful authors, so its difficult to get a break. And then there are other smaller sites, in which you pay to have your book published, I think one of them published 100 books for you, and distribute it for a really great price. But what this lacks the support you need to know that your work is good. There are no bossy editors, pushing you to do your best, and who believe in your book.

That's what is so great about this new site. Its a UK based site, Unbound. The gist of it is this: authors pitch their book ideas to you, the reader. The reader then decides to pledge to the book, and will fund money for the publishing of this book. Funds start at 10 pounds, and go up to 250 pounds. Each "level" of funding provides you with different levels of access, support and communication with the author. Once the author reaches a "target," the book will be published. However, if the target is not reached, the money will be refunded to you in full.

I love this idea that its not just about pushy editors and publishing houses only publishing what they need to make more money. I love that it is honest and is truly about what the readers want. I also love that its more than just picking up a book and reading it, its about providing support and really being able to show an author that their work, their art matters and that its something great to believe in.

Anyways, if you're an author hoping to be published, check it out.

<3 S

P.S. Here's a little video on the site: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=de9CQA7G6vk 

Ageing.

It's no secret that the older you get, the more you learn, the more experiences you add to your repetoire and the wiser you become. But they don't tell you about the pain, the suffering, the hardships you gotta get through to become that way.

Don't get me wrong, I know how lucky I am to be alive and to have lived 21 years of life. Some people get flushed out with the morning after pill, a day after conception. Some don't even make it out of the womb alive. Then there are those who will never see the first day of school, or graduate college, those who will never fall in love or experience parenthood or grandparenthood.

But entering the twenties, I always had an idea of what life would be like. Happiness, freedom, money... But I never thought about things that I've lost, things I left behind, memories, regrets. And it truth, my life is only just beginning. Up until this point, I have been lucky not to have suffered great loss or endured great pain. When you're younger, you can't wait to be an adult; to live on your own, the freedom of going and coming, the freedom to eat chocolate cookies for dinner and nothing else. But as you get older, as you become an adult, you learn that with age comes pain, loss, regret. You start to miss who you were, what you had and where you used to be. And of course, you can always move forward, but there will always be a wandering eye that looks back and brings on the sadness, and the obvious truth of what you have lost. There's those sayings about not allowing yourself to look back, because you can't change it. While that may be true, for me, its also because looking back brings on a crippling pain that makes it impossible to move forward.

Give me innocence, inexperience and ignorance, any day.

One Tree Hill. One Last Time.

After nearly two months of putting it off, I finally watched the final episode ever of One Tree Hill. I guess I kept putting it off because I wasn't ready for it to be over. I wasn't ready for the stories to end and I wasn't ready to let go. And for a show that started out with strong characters, storylines and music, it did lose its way a few times (especially after losing Lucas and Peyton), was the end of it really going to do its justice to the core of the show?

I remember what One Tree Hill meant to me back in 2003. It aired on channel 10, but I never found too much interest in it. To me, it was that show with the hot Chad Michael Murray, a curly haired blonde and that extremely sexual brunette girl. A show about sex, drugs, teenagers and high school drama. So in short, I wasn't interested.

A few years ago, they began airing random episodes of OTH again on channel 10, this time, on Saturday mornings to fill in the time between Video Hits and the news. That was also the time when I used to actually watch TV, I'd spend most of the day on the couch constantly flipping through channels. So I sat and watched a few minutes here and there of OTH as it played over these Saturdays, and I got the gist of the show pretty quickly. One particular episode that caught me was back in season 6 (ep 18) where Jamie Scott asked his grandfather, Dan Scott, about who killed his great-uncle Keith. And in this, Dan admits to murdering his brother. Shocked and curious, I decided to start from the beginning and watch the entire show. As I watched it, I learned that it wasn't a show purely about teenagers, sex and alcohol. It was about growing up, learning what's important, learning right from wrong and following your heart and your dreams. And yeah, that summary makes it sound lame and cheesy and it probably is. But I'm a lame and cheesy person and I love all things lame and I love all things cheesy.

So I fell in love. I fell in love with the show, the characters, the music, the settings, the places, the journeys and most of all, I fell in love with the words. There are some great moments in OTH. Moments that make you cry, that break your heart, that fill you with joy and hope, and most of these are carried out in the form of words, whether narrated or spoken as part of a dialogue. There is something so beautiful in the way words were written for that show. That a certain combination of letters and words can translate and communicate thoughts, feelings, emotions in such an artful way.

I found that when others talk about what the show meant to them, a lot of people say it was a guide for them. The characters and the viewers, all young and lost, grew up together and found their way together. Unfortunately I didn't have OTH growing up. But it doesn't change the fact that I've learnt so much from it. My view on certain issues changed, my needs and wants changed, my mind matured and it got me through the day when I was at my worst. So much of my life has changed in the last couple of years, my world changed, I changed, but having this constant in my life is a comfort.

I'm glad I discovered OTH. I grew up with disconnected, distant judgmental parents (whom I still love very much) but they never taught me anything about hopes or dreams or what it means to be in love. I wasn't allowed to be lost, I wasn't allowed to be creative and so I learnt all the things I missed from them from this show.

I'm always going to be grateful for this show. It seems so silly that my life would change because of a show, based in a fictional world full of fictional characters, but it did.

As for the final episode, I was worried that they would ruin it. They admittedly did quite bad after Lucas and Peyton left and the end of season 8 was a mess. I think the producers weren't quite sure they would be signed on for another season so they tried to wrap up as much as they could.

But the final episode, I think was pretty good. It would've been amazing to have brought back Lucas and Peyton, but they did add so much to the end that really tied it all together. Like the importance of Dan's death, the ultimate sacrifice he made for his son. Brooke being given all the things she's ever wanted and deserved: love, two generations of a family, and a family home, Nathan and Haley lasting the entire 9 seasons (minus half of season 3), and the idea of a TV show based on OTH. This is probably my favourite of all. OTH originally was a movie script called Ravens, but they decided that the script would be better told as a TV show. So they made the TV show and Lucas wrote a book about it, tried to make a movie and failed and in the end it became a TV show. A bit Inception-like but bringing it full circle. I'm saddened by the end of it all. I'm sad that there won't be more stories, that the lives of these fictional characters have ended. I feel like there's so much more to tell. Will there be more kids for Brooke, Haley, Millie or Quinn? How does Lydia grow up? What kind of predictions does Jamie make? Does Jamie grow up to be a basketball player? And dammit James Lafferty got really hot when he started bulking up. Sexy.

One Tree Hill. One Last Time.

Pushing.

I've been watching How I Met Your Mother a lot lately, but in all the seven seasons that have aired, I have only one favourite from Ted's many, many, many conquests. Victoria. aka Buttercup aka the baking lady aka the lady that Ted met at the wedding in season 1, ep 12/13/14.

I will always be vouching for Victoria and Ted to end up together, and even though I know there's no possibility of that happening now, (sometime in a later season, she comes back and she's engaged), there's a tiny part of me that still hopes.

Why? Why do I invest so much hope in a fictional character finding love and a happy ending with another fictional character? Partly because I have no life of my own. But mostly, its because she's epitomises the kind of woman I'd like to be. Creative, fun, spontaneous, mysterious, baking delicious cupcakes and finding the most sweetest, purest, most romantic of loves.

Anyways the title of this post is "pushing" not "Victoria", even though it was inspired by her and Ted's storyline. We all chase this idea of happy ever after, but often we end up pushing ourselves until we reach breaking point. And something that started so sweet, and pure, like Victoria and Ted's relationship, eventually breaks down.

So how do we know? How do we know when to quit? When is the optimal time to stay in a certain place before all hell breaks loose and it all becomes irreparable? There's that saying "quit while you're ahead," but that's the trick of good things. Good things are good, and hence you want more and more of it but the more you ask for it, the more you push and the closer you get to ruining it and losing it all.

But knowing this, why don't we stop? If we know that all things will eventually go bad, why don't we stop? Because we hope. We hope things won't go bad, we hope the happiness, the joy, the success will last forever, and we hope that it'll all work out.

 What are we, without hope?

Relationship Changes

 People change. They grow, they mature. It's a fact of life.

We all go through stages in our lifetimes. Primary school. High school. College. Adulthood. Parenthood.

Along the way, we collect new friends, family. And, if we're lucky, at some stage, we find someone to fall in love with and someone to love us back. But we never stop growing, we never stop moving through the stages. Maybe we slow down, maybe we breeze through it. But we all grow, we move through the stages, we change.

So what happens when that person you  loved changed? What if the person you were changed?

One of those break-up cliches people use is that You/I have changed. We're not the same people anymore. Does that mean that if we want to hold onto someone we love, we're not allowed to change? Anyone who says yes to that, is, frankly, an idiot. You expect someone not to change, to be the same person they were six months ago, or even sixty years ago? But can you guarantee that in that time, you, yourself, have not changed? You haven't lost interest in your favourite t-shirt, or forget the songs that you used to play on repeat? No, of course not. You've changed.

But change isn't a bad thing. It isn't about pretending that you're okay with these changes in yourself and in that other person. All it means is that the love, the relationship, the dynamics have to change too. All it means is that you need to re-evaluate yourself, your life and see them for who they are now and not what you saw in them before and not what you think they should be. See the changes you've made in yourself, and see their changes and accept them. All change means is that its time to change the way you love them. Let the new you, love the new them.

P.S. This kept popping into my head while writing: As we mature, the relationship matures with us. HIMYM

Relationships.

There are so many things out there, telling us what to do in relationships. All the rules, laws, cliches. Your best friend, your mom, your grandma. TV, movies, blogs, videos. And yeah, most of the time they are right. You know, "Don't go looking for Mr. Right, he'll come to you". Or "No man is worth your tears, if he was, he wouldn't make you cry". And of course, all those ridiculous rules like "playing hard to get," or "wait three days before you call." (In all fairness, that last one may be a little outdated, but you get the point.)

Although a lot of those are useful in snagging a guy, the truth is, in a real relationship, there is no-one else in the entire world who knows how the two of you are. Yes, there are patterns. The girl gets more emotionally attached first. It takes longer for the guy to do so. But at the end of the day, the two people in the relationship are two unique people and they create a unique relationship. And the ones who aren't unique, the ones who follow rules, well, the guys turn out to be jerks who aren't after a real relationship, and the girls end up sad and alone. 

So here comes another cliche: Be yourself. Be who you think you should be, be who you think you are and not what you want a man to see you as. Don't try to be what you think you should be. Don't spend hours and hours on hair and makeup that's supposed to look effortless. Don't pass yourself off as sexy and mysterious, if you're not. If you be the person you're supposed to be, the right man will think that's sexy and beautiful. And this is speaking from experience. While working, I spent an hour every day before work putting on make-up, experimenting with new hairstyles, trying on outfit after outfit, trying to impress a guy. Even though I got a few comments from co-workers, I got no response from the guy I was trying to impress. After a week or two of doing this, one day I woke up late and had no time for my ridiculous efforts, so I got dressed in the first thing I could find and headed out the door. The next night, I realised that with or without make-up, this guy was not going to notice me, so I stopped my painful routine. Two days later, I won him over and he asked me out.

For guys, winning a girl over is easy. Just show her how you feel. It's easy to buy roses and chocolates. That's sweet, but cliche. And not always true. For example, I hate roses, and I prefer white chocolate over anything else. The best way to win a girl over is to show her that you care, that you listen, show her how you feel about her. Its not hard to find presents for a girl, you just gotta pay attention. The best presents I've gotten are the ones which showed me he cared, or that he listened or that he put effort into, rather than the things I asked for, or wanted.

A lot of guys get nervous easily, and they chicken out. They come off an shy and sweet, but not boyfriend material. And then there are guys who are confident, and come off as arrogant. They come off and cocky, crass, and are clearly only after one thing. Either way, be honest about who you are and what you want. If you're nervous, then say so, but proceed anyway. Don't point out your nervousness and then hide. Show some courage. If you're after sex, then at least be honest about it. And yeah, maybe most girls will turn you down, but the ones who do say yes, will probably be worth the effort.

Revertigo?

I've been filling my days up with old episodes of How I Met Your Mother (HIMYM) lately, because after watching One Tree Hill seasons 1-7 for the fourth time, it's time to move on.

So anyways, sometime in season 3 of HIMYM (I think), Robin (Cobie Smulders, who, by the way, i have a new appreciation for after seeing the avengers - damn, she's gorgeous!) gets a visit from an old boyfriend and she immediately turns into her old self, the version she was with him when she was sixteen. And for comedy, Lily gets a visit from a friend who also reverts back to the black-woman she pretended to be in high school - Marshall termed this revertigo.

Anyways, it got me thinking.. Are we really doomed in that way for the rest of our lives? Can we see someone we used to know from another chapter of our life and always revert back to that version of us in their presence?

For example, I had a great guy friend in high school. He was sweet and sensitive but always teased by guys for being so sensitive and overlooked by girls for his lack of being forward. Now, four years on, he's got a string of girlfriends, a regular party-goer and had gained all this confidence and even a tattoo. But when he's back with all our high school friends, especially the guys, he goes back to being that shy, sensitive teased guy he was all those years ago.

It's obvious we change and grow and mature as people as we get older. Sometimes for the worse, often for the better. But why is it that when we're out into a group of the people who knew the old you, you immediately revert back to that person?

I believe people can change. I see it in myself and in the people around me. But what happens when those people don't let you? Is it possible for my friend to be the new confident guy he is now with all the old high school mates? Is it possible when they think of him in the same way?

Change happens all the time. You can fight it or delay it, but it happens. With people, they do change too. Sometimes they hide it because certain people already think of you in a certain way and to change it or to challenge is too hard or too embarrassing or just too difficult. Change in a person changes perceptions, opinions, reputations and relationships. So maybe we revert back so we don't challenge them. But life is about growing and changing and if you can't be the new you with your old friends then either you need new friends or you risk changing everything you know.

Favourite Music of the Moment.

I dont know why but after months of not blogging i have a sudden urge to. It wasn't even planned, I just felt like saying something so I said it and I posted it and it's all here.
Such a random post =P But I have been loving these songs lately, mostly because of the ah-may-zing lyrics.

1. Lawson - When She Was Mine
Now I'm breaking at the seams
Dropping to my knees
Nothing left of me
Black stone turned into dust
My heart wasn't enough.

2. Ed Sheeran - Lego House (and YES that's Ron Weasley)
I'm out of sight
I'm out of mind
I'll do it all for you in time
And out of all these things I've done
I think I love you better now

3. Ed Sheeran - U.N.I. (I don't know what U.N.I. means but its such a good song!)
Because if you want
I'll take you in my arms
And keep you sheltered
From all that I've done wrong
I know you'll say
That I'm the only one
But I know God made another one of me
To love you better than I ever will

4. Maroon 5 ft. Wiz Khalifa - Payphone
You turned your back on tomorrow
Cause you forgot yesterday
I gave you my love to borrow
But you just gave it away.


5. Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out
Regrets collect, like old friends
Here to re-live your darkest moments
...
I like to keep my issues strong
Its always darkest before the dawn

6. Jack's Mannequin - The Mixed Tape (YES, its Peyton, season 3 of OTH =P)
Where are you now?
As I'm swimming through the stereo
I'm writing you a symphony of sound
...
And this is my mixed tape for her
It's like I wrote every note
With my own fingers

Believing in God, the universe and karma.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about our world and how messed up it is.
To quote Brooke Davis, season 5/6 "It's official, life sucks and then you die."

Christians/Catholics (forgive me if I'm wrong) believe in a God, a man who determines and chooses how your life plays out. I have no problem with these people. I personally don't believe in God, but I fully support those who do.

In my daily life, I'll often refer to occurrences as "karma" or "fate" or even just as "a sign". But when I ask myself what I truly believe in, I don't believe in that stuff. That the universe has mysterious ways of showing us the way. That the actions we make every day come back to us in some form of payback, something that karma thinks we deserve. But when I stop believing in those things and I accept the fact that there is nothing other than us people and the world and our environment and the choices we make are purely our own and the events that occur are choices of others and we just happened to be in their path, its too hard.

The immensity and weight of this truth is too much to bear on one small person, in one small part of the world so I pass that burden on to some invisible force that I don't really believe in so that I don't have to carry that around. Which is why I never question others about their beliefs in God or nature or the invisible forces of the universe, because its just too hard to face.

Mindfulness

We learnt about this thing called "mindfulness". It's a therapeutic technique used to overcome depression but I think it's relevant to anyone who is unhappy. There's a quote or a saying that goes something like: if you live in the past, all you'll know is regret and if you live for the future, you'll always be disappointed. So live in the present.

(sidebar: I also love the quote about how if you're talking about what you did yesterday, then you haven't done enough today).

Anyways being mindful is about being in the moment, living your life right where you are and understanding and appreciating where you are in that moment. There's a little exercise you can do, where you sit and close your eyes and relax. And trying to focus on your breathing. In and out. Notice the way your chest moves and the feel of air rushing into your chest... And occasionally your mind will wander but make sure you keep bringing it back to your breathing. It's just am exercise to teach you how to start focusing on one thing rather than the millions of other things, the mistakes you made (like the pleated skirt on a windy day) or planning for your future ( hoping the wind stops by the time you and your skirt head outside).

Being mindful is also about appreciating what you have. I have been known to not only take what I have for granted but to ask for even more than I deserve. I'm trying to learn patience and to be mindful about what you have/are/doing.

I think its easy to get caught up in the things that don't matter so try to be more mindful. Try to focus on the good things you have now rather than what you have lost or what you think you deserve to gain. Happiness will not find you if you think like that.

Unfortunately, that's easier said than done.

Photography.

For my 21st birthday, I was lucky enough to receive an amazing camera as a gift.

For years, I was stuck with a badly chosen pink, 8MP camera I chose when I was 15. So I was super excited about getting this camera. It may not look like much, but it is (to quote Hannah Montana) the best of both worlds. I love photography, and in the right light, with the right angles every day items can look like art. I, unfortunately, have zero artistic experience, so I think this camera is perfect for me. It's photos are amazing quality, like an SLR but it isn't bulky or complicated, just a basic point-and-shoot. And yeah, it has a few extra features but I haven't figured out how to work those out yet.

Anyways, being the beginner that I am, I have occassionally Googled photography tips, basic ones that I can remember or learn quickly. I found one great blog post and I wanted both to share it and to keep it as a reminder.

Tips for Great Fall Photography. By Ingrid Owens (Click for original article).

1. The Golden Hours - best lighting one hour after sunrise, or one hour before dark. 
2. Shoot after the rain
3. Don't clutter the image
4. Use contrasting colours
5. Only incorporate the sky if its bright blue
6. Use puddles for reflecting images (from comments).

Interior design blog.

I'm not the type to spend hours and hours reading other peoples blogs and I hardly ever find a blog that I completely fall in love with. But I stumbled on this one by accident.

http://emilyaclark.blogspot.com.au/

She's an interior designer who started off just decorating her own home, and now she runs her own business. I love her style and her creativity is absolutely inspiring. She has an amazing collection of photos of her work and I cannot wait until I own my own home so I can spend hours and hours decorating, painting and re-decorating the house!

Another great blog is:

http://www.lisaroy.ca/ 

I found her through Emily Clark's blog. She had an amazing idea of framing her designer bags and hanging them up on the way. I, too, hate to throw away gorgeous bags like that, and I love the idea that you can display not just your purchases, but the amazing packaging it came in.

This is a just a short post. Enjoy!

<3 S

Oversharing.

Twitter. Facebook. YouTube.Various blog sites, blogger, wordpress, tumblr. Websites, apps, free, easy to access from basically anywhere with an internet connection.

I think we tend to share just a little too much.

And before you start attacking me and accusing me of being a hypocrite, don't worry, I do see the irony. A blogger talking about oversharing to a bunch of random strangers in an online diary? Guilty.

I was thinking about how explosive the internet has become over the last decade or so. Remember the 90's when personal thoughts, opinions and issues all remained personal. Remember those little notebooks decorated with stickers and tags of I (heart) Backstreet Boys? I remember how all I wanted was a diary that I could write in, that had its own lock and key. Now we all know who's dating who, what everybody ate for lunch and who pissed them off most for that day.

I've always been a late comer to every party, particularly the technology party. I only discovered the full capacity of YouTube in the last year or so. Up until then, YouTube was used for watching the latest music videos and cute baby videos. I am probably still the only person in the entire (first) world who does not own an Android or iPhone (but I do have an iPod touch and so I don't have constant internet access wherever I am. I'll be honest, it's probably a good thing, at least for all those people who are friends with me on Facebook, or follow me on Twitter, otherwise I'd be bombarding your timelines with complaints about the weather, or how that creepy old man keeps staring at me.

The older generation are constantly complaining about the curse of technology and I happen to think they're right. I tend to use Facebook or text messages to talk to friends and B, and so when I do end up seeing them in person, I don't have any stories to tell anymore. I had a friend who went overseas for a month, travelling and experiencing the world, and when he came back, I immediately set a date for us to meet up so I could hear all his stories about his travels but come the day, we sat there, not knowing what to say because I had seen it all on Facebook, where he went, what he did, so there was nothing left to discuss.

SO anyways, the point of this? I don't really know. I just wanted to share my opinion on the strange habit of oversharing.

Done.

For a reason.

I wrote a long post awhile ago which will be quite similar to this one.

This last year or so, I felt like I grew up a lot. I screwed up a lot but I learnt a lot. And for the past year, whenever people asked me about what I was studying and what I planned to do once I graduated, I tried to be very vague and nonchalant about it. Usually I'd mumble something along the lines of "just seeing how it all goes." But after a little research, a few quick discussions and a point in the right direction, I feel like I've found balance and as I realised what this meant, I felt this calm wash over me. I tried to be cool and calm about the future, trying to show everyone that I was relaxed enough to just roll with the punches, but in all honesty, I was lying to myself and trying to hide the truth from everyone else: I didn't know what to do with my life and it scared the hell out of me.

I sat outside today, waiting for class to begin and I began to think about this new career path I found. I stumbled upon it a few months ago, but after discussing it with my parents, and a very derogative put down by my dad, I decided to let it go. But recently a found a new spark of interest for it and I started to look into it again and I really feel like its the right thing for me.

I think about my life after high school. And in high school, I knew who I was, what I was good at, what I was bad at. But then uni came along and I felt confused and I didn't know what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. During year 11, I had went to a mini-psych lecture at USyd, and I loved it, but I knew it wasn't a practical subject so I never did it. I chose to do Medical Science at USyd instead, because it was more practical and fairly flexible for someone who had no clue about what she wanted to do. HSC marks were released and unfortunately I didn't score enough to get into MedSci and ended up doing Bachelor of Science at USyd. I then dedicated my first year of uni to studying hard to get into MedSci, but again I didn't score enough points. At this point, I abandoned that idea and settled into studying pharmacology for the remainder of my degree. For each semester, we're required to do a certain number of subjects to fill out the hours needed to graduate. In the second semester of my second year, I needed one more subject to fill and since I failed microbiology in first year, I was missing the pre-requisite for most subjects, so I decided to do first year psych to fill up my credits. I ended up loving it, and decided to do the entire 3 year psych course within my degree. Since I did second sem first, I had to go back the next year and do first sem, which I actually ended up hating. It was boring and drawn out. But I persisted, knowing that 3rd year psych would be worth it. This was the point where I was torn, I loved psych but I was not good enough to do honours, and without honours you can't have a real career in psych. I was still doing pharmacology, still for practical purposes, but I hated it. I continued with psych and now I'm doing a mixture of 3rd year and 2nd year psych subjects. In one of my 3rd year subjects, we had a lecturer who was a counsellor and was brought in to teach us a more practical application of the things we were learning in class. I loved his stories and I loved how he was able to help out this people simply by talking to them. (As a side note: I've always been the type of person who wanted a career in helping people, and naturally being a doctor was the way to go but again low grades and a low tolerance for blood and guts kept me from doing that). So basically, I went back to researching counselling degrees, post-grad studies all of that. I made a few calls, even talked to the lecturer about it and I feel like its the right thing for me. At least for now. I'm glad I have a goal again and something to work for and to look forward to.

And now, and today, when looking back at these three years, I wished I hadn't wasted them stuck in a degree I don't want in a uni I don't like. I wish I knew four years ago what I had wanted, I could've had my job by now. But then I look back and I didn't know what I wanted when I was 18. And I needed to go through those years here, to finally know that this is where I wanted to be. I needed to fail those subjects and back me into that corner of psych, the corner that I thought was dark and useless. I've found a door in that dark corner, and its slowly lead me here. I know if I did first year psych the other way around, I wouldn't have the passion for it that I have now. I wouldn't have continued on with it and I wouldn't have been sitting in that third year lecture with the ex-counsellor lecturer with his stories and knowledge, experience and his anecdotes. And even the things in my personal life, the problems and issues I have with myself and with my relationships all pushed me to study harder and pay more attention in class, and in a way I see myself counselling because I feel like I can't help the people in my life, and most of all, I can't counsel myself. So all these things, the timing, the experience, the knowledge, my personal life and this sudden urge I had to find something more in my life and allowed me to find and accept and want this.

I didn't write this to brag how great my life is. Because I didn't, and its not. I wrote it because its important. A reminder to myself that no matter how bad things get, there's a reason for it, and its good. Just be patient. Just keep pushing and fighting and persisting. And a way of showing (hopefully) everyone else that things get better. There is a reason for why bad things happen, why I never got into the Med Sci degree, why I failed those subjects, why I got stuck doing 2nd sem psych instead of the first... Its all for a reason.

<3 S

Another reno? Yes.

I've been feeling a little unbalanced lately. Well, actually, a lot unbalanced. A LOT.

So I'm going to try this online diary/online blogging thing again in the hopes that it will be somehow cathartic for me. (I hope that's how you're meant to use that word... Fancy, right?)

I have a new layout and its nice and all that, most of them are, but I've spent the last hour going through pages and pages of blog templates, and none of them seem to fit me. I love the elaborate artistic ones, but as I'm not the artistic type, I feel like a fraud using them. I tried looking for something romantic, but seeing as I'm not a huge girly-girl, it didn't seem appropriate either. The colourful ones are bright and fun but yet again not me. And this sort of leads me to where my mind's been at the past couple of weeks. I have no definition of myself. I'm a mess. So, I settled with this one.