Three months.

So it's been 3 months since the last time I posted. Ooops.

A lot has happened since the last time I posted. A lot has changed. And yet, some days I feel exactly the same as I did 3 months ago.

Most days, I'm definitely happier. I work harder, I push myself more and even end up surprising myself with how far I have come. I have learnt a lot and discovered a lot and realised a lot. I feel like I'm finally becoming an adult. And about time too. Having been "legally" and adult for over 3 years now, and with graduation around the corner, life as I know it, will be over.

Unfortunately, I've always been last to mature mentally. But I'm finally starting to learn that growing up means loss, rejection, pain, regret. It means never stopping, never relaxing and never taking your eye off the ball. It means leaving behind a world of comfort and pushing yourself out to the edge just to prove your worth, just to make a life for yourself, just to survive. And yeah, I've learnt that it sucks.

I'm the kind of person who likes to rewatch old TV episodes, old movies that I've watched a million times. Because I always know that everything worked out in the end, and exactly how it worked out. I've always envied older people in the same way. These people have the satisfaction of knowing that they survived, knowing that they got through it, knowing what they gained and what they lost on the way. I know its weak, and I know its not how the world works, but some days I wish I could have just a glimpse of what my future will be. I wish I could just know the ending so I can relax and enjoy the ride.

But, like I said, life doesn't work that way. And instead of brooding over the impossible, I've adopted a new way of thinking. I've learnt that planning gets me absolutely nowhere. I've spent my life pre-determining what to do with my life. And now, I'm giving that up. All this planning only leads to disappointment and pain, anticipation and anxiety. Nothing ever works out the way you plan it to, so why waste the time doing it? Instead, all I'm doing is putting myself out there. Working as hard as I can, doing the best I can and putting myself out there and seeing what comes back. If it doesn't come back, then it wasn't meant to be. But if it does, its an exciting new journey.

I love listening to other people talk about their life stories. And the thing I've noticed is that no-one ever says, "Oh, I planned on being a teacher, and now I'm a teacher." That's never the end of it. I find it always starts with something differently entirely and leading up to that moment in time. And I'm just so tired of planning ahead, and having nothing work out the way I planned it. So, with 3 months left of my degree, all I can do now is put myself out there, work hard, and hopefully something will open up for me and help me find the next chapter of my life.

I'm excited to see what happens next.

<3 S